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Laurence Inman’s Blog

TRUE CONFESSIONS

05-06-2008

Laurence Inman tells all about his meeting with a Hollywood superstar and a leading politician.

I had a most disturbing experience last week.

I was about to enter the famed portals of the Savoy Grill in the Strand to meet the gorgeous Cate Blanchett, star of too many films to mention, even if I could be bothered to look them up on imdb. I had been sent on an assignment to interview her by The Stirrer himself. He couldn’t go in person because his piles were giving him gip.

No sooner had I tipped the commissionaire (‘Never play cards with anybody whose middle name is the') than I was waylaid by Ms Blanchett herself.

'Let's not bother with the meal, the wine and the boring interview,' she breathed huskily. 'I've got a room booked....'

A humming filled my head. It developed into a ringing. Then a drilling.

It was the bloody phone. Waking me up. At six in the bleeding morning!

'Who's this ?' I demanded.

'Hullo. Hullo.'

'Yes ?'

'It's me.'

'Who ?'

'Me.'

'Who's me ?'

'Gordon.'

'Gordon who ?'

'Don't you recognise my voice ?'

'No.'

'I'm your Prime Minister.'

'What do you want ?'

'I just thought I'd call to see if there's anything bothering you at the moment.'

'You've just woken me up in the middle of a very promising dream about Cate Blanchett.'

Oh I’m sorry. I’ve had that one. Do you want me to tell you what happens ?’

'No I don't.'

'So, apart from that, everything's fine ?'

'Well, actually no. I've got a problem with pavements in my area.'

'Oh yes, I've read your articles on The Stirrer. Tell me what you want and it shall be done.’

'I want the roads closed to traffic and the pavements flattened and laid with nice Victorian stone slabs, like the ones you see in places like Bath, Winchester and Amesbury Road, Moseley.'

'It's at the top of the list.'

'Now, you promise ? Only I've had councillors telling me that for years.'

'We'll take care of them. Then we'll do the pavements.'

'Gordon, you're a brick.'

'Thank you. You never got this under Blair.'

'No. I can't remember him ringing once.'

'Ta ta for now.'

'Wait! Wait! What about the litter in Poplar Road ?'

Too late. He was gone. I’ll just have to mention it next time he calls.
 
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