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Laurence Inman’s Blog



The world

Never one to miss an opportunity, Laurence Inman takes advantage of the impending apocalypse to get rid of an unwanted J Reg Fiesta. Typical.

A couple of autumns ago I was walking down the park with my mate John and our two dogs (Bill and Bonny) when we noticed that there were hardly any conkers on the conker trees. The previous year there had been thousands.

'They probably know it's not worth it,' said John.

He always looks on the bright side.

But it’s an interesting idea.

Suppose the trees and the plants know when an ecological disaster is about to overtake the world, like the animals do just before an earthquake strikes.

Thomas Hardy really liked this idea. He saw nature as having a sort of hidden intelligence, which spoke to the birds and insects all the time, but only a tiny glance of which was occasionally revealed to us.

So, there’s not only a zeitgeist and a weltgeist; there could also be an erdegeist.

I have become convinced this is true.

I live next door to a house divided into two flats. The lower flat is occupied by a woman in her eighties, the one above by a young fit bloke who goes out all the time.

Neither of them is interested in maintaining their separate halves of the huge back garden, so some years ago they told me I could do what I want with it. I always intended to turn it into an allotment for vegetables, but did nothing about it until this year, when everybody else got the same idea and sales of seeds have gone through the roof.

So to speak.

Something is telling all of us something, all at the same time, and it might not be very pleasant, this something.’

'Grow some carrots, quick! This time next year you won't be able to afford to buy a single one.'

'Turn all available land over to wheat production. In a short while you'll be fighting your best friend, with a sword, for a scrap of bread.'

'Make a nest. Protect yourself. Build an earthworks. Shore some fragments against your ruin.'

This is not the same mass-subconscious which told us to stop wearing flares thirty years ago. This has a bit more weight to it. It’s irrestistible. I call it the Zwerdegeist.

A new matrix has been applied to our responses and under its criteria it has become perfectly plain that Gordon can’t do the job (because nobody can) that America is getting weaker, that power is shifting eastwards and that our time in control is coming to an end.

My garden (my own garden) is full of flowers, but I never see a bee. There are fewer birds. Last week I was a building a fence, which involves digging holes, and I found hardly one worm.

We had plenty of warnings and we just turned the other way.

Now I’m not one to get all apocalyptic and then not follow it through.

I’m going to do my bit by getting rid of my son’s car.

So if anyone wants a J Reg Fiesta, with two months tax and MOT, excellent runner, decent bodywork, door-locks don’t work, four good tyres, radio, sunroof, boot, bonnet, wheels etc....if you can get over to Kings Heath it’s yours.


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