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Laurence Inman’s Blog



Prime Minister Gordon Brown MP

Who's been interrupting Laurence Inman now? Blimey, only that geezer from Number 10.

‘Laurence, it is I, Gordon Brown, your Prime Minister.’

‘Where did you get this number ? I changed it after your last telephonic visitation.’

‘I have men who can find things out.’

‘Of course you do. What do you want ?’

‘I need your help, Laurence.’

‘Well make it quick, because I’m right in the middle of a fascinating game of Scrabble online. Have you tried it ? It’s brilliant! The game was made for the net. So much better than fiddling about with all those little tiles.....’

‘What’s gone wrong, Laurence ?’

‘With what ?’

‘Oh, everything! Just as I get rid of Laughing Boy and Mr Numbskull leaves office, along comes sleek, tall, smiling, clever, charming, sweet-smelling Obama, making me look like grumpy pipe-pongy old Uncle Gordon.’

‘You’re clever as well.’

Only the steady chug of his heaving sobs could be heard down the line.

It was time for harsh words.

‘Gordon, pull yourself together, man!’

‘Oh, what’s the point ?’

‘You remind me of those people who go on X-Factor. You bang on for years about how it’s your dream, all you’ve ever wanted, you know you’ve got star quality - then you finally get on and make a big steaming tit of yourself and Simon Cowell jeers at you and you go to pieces!’

‘But the banks, the dodgy expense claims, the in-fighting! It’s so much more political than I thought it was going to be! Even pulling out of Iraq makes no impression. What am I going to do ?’

‘What you need is a good diversion.’

‘There are no wars I can declare before next year. It’ll be too late. The Olympics are three years away, and will probably be a disaster. The World Cup, that’s after the election.’

‘You know the rule. If you can’t find a current side-show, bring one back to life from the past.’

‘Eh ?’

‘It doesn’t have to be anything which really affects people. Whip up a controversy over something very trivial, but make out it’s the only thing on everybody’s lips. In pubs, sitting-rooms and toilets up and down the country people are discussing nothing else.’

‘I’m listening.’

‘I know just the thing! Say the King can now marry a catholic. Or the Queen, for that matter. Tell everyone Anne can be second in line. Make out it’s a modernisation, pro-women, anti-discrimination, that sort of thing.’

‘But it only affects possibly one person every few decades.’

‘Well obviously you don’t highlight that!’

‘You could be right. It’s certainly trivial enough. But wasn’t there some trouble about this in the sixteenth century ? Wasn’t that the whole reason for....’

‘What happens in the sixteenth century stays in the sixteenth century. You know the score. You’ll be saying next we should bring back burning at the stake for fiddling your expenses.’

‘Thanks, Laurence. I’m feeling better already.’

‘Good. And remember: keep your friends close and your enemies closer. The one who delivers the message, he will be the traitor. There was never enough time, Michael, never enough time. Carlo, you have to answer for Sonny....’



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