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Laurence Inman’s Blog

ON KITCHEN CUTTING TOOLS DEVIANCY

17-07-2008

knives

Laurence Inman offers a few observations on sharp implement related infractions. And stuff.

Politicians, commentators, ‘opinion-formers’ and anybody else who thinks they had better say something have been sticking their oar in about knife crime.

The latest wheeze is to have the stabber follow the stabee into casualty and apologise.

Can you imagine it ?

'I'll just have to stop sewing up your carotid artery for a sec, mate. Someone wants a word with you.'

'Yeah. Right, yeah. Like, I'm finking it was too heavy, like, sticking you like that and I'm, like, sorry an' dat.'

It’s beyond laughter, or tears.

I can’t even be bothered to go through the other fatuous ‘solutions’ which have been put forward recently.

The main cause of street disorder, domestic violence, stabbings, vandalism and the general lowering of society has been quite plain for decades. It is the easy availability and cheapness of alcohol.

But while we wait for governments to come to their senses and for the booze industry to lose the mysterious grip it seems to have on our legislators’ consciences, here is my solution to the current spate of sharp-implement-related-infractions.

First, start calling them that instead of ‘knife-crimes.’ What we lose in headline-consonance I suspect we’ll gain in peace on the streets.

Second, wait a couple of months. Parliament will be back in full swing. Another war will have started somewhere. Amy Winehouse will have returned from holiday.

You see what I’m saying?

It’s a media-led ‘phenomenon.’

You can tell that because each story has the same ingredients, the ones we’ve all come to expect. The victim is always a near-saint. He (it’s always a he) would have done anything for anybody. He was universally loved. A gentle giant. Never any trouble. What’s happening to us ? Why ? Why ? Why ?

Cut to shot of railings festooned with flowers.....concerned face of this week’s shadow Home Sec......bloke with a microphone in Downing Street.....

Beyond the alcohol issue, but closely linked to it, crime is simply a class issue. Go and see a few cases up the law courts, or just stand around in the corridors, and you’ll see this plainly.

The people doing all the talking wear wigs and suits and shiny shoes and talk like Brian Sewell. The people having all the talking done to them wear baseball caps, jeans, trainers and have to keep going out for a fag.

Petrol prices go through the roof. Forecourt running follows it. I bet the lines on the graph are exactly side by side and parallel. I would also wager a vast sum on the driver wearing a baseball cap, on the car being worth a quarter of what the insurance premium would have been and bears shitting in the woods.

As for kitchen-cutting-tools-deviancy: you mark my words – it’ll be gone by October.

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