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Mick Temple's Blog

MYSTIC MICK

26-01-2008

Puffed-up with pride after Peter Hain took his advice to quit, Mick Temple now tries to influence a few more events in the political world.

I’m getting ready to be corrupted. To half-cite Lord Acton’s old saw, all power tends to corrupt – and I am clearly very powerful. Last week, I told Peter Hain he had to go and, lo and behold, he’s gone.

Peter Hain must read The Stirrer website. And take notice of what at least one of its contributors thinks. The Stirrer will be delighted – maybe he’ll even start paying me for my insights.

How can I use this newly-discovered power? And how can I prove Hain’s action was caused by my advice and was not mere coincidence? Well, I can begin by telling our political leaders what they should do over the next week and assessing my strike rate next Friday.

I’ll assume that Dubya is not a fan of The Stirrer, so I’ll direct my instructions to our own representatives.

Gordon Brown – at PMQs, don’t answer any question put to you. I know it goes against all your instincts, but try and obfuscate. Flounder around looking completely useless as a lightweight opposite you is allowed to be a pot calling a kettle grimy-arse and get away with it. Go on Gordon, you can do it!

Nick Clegg – building on your stunning by-election result in Sandwell, when despite all its problems nationally the local Labour party managed to pinch a seat from you, keep up your stunning assault on the electorate’s consciousness by continuing to lag behind Amy Winehouse in opinion polls on who would make the best prime minister.

Oh, that’s what you planned to do anyway? That won’t prove my cause and effect hypothesis. Well then, appear for six seconds on the evening news (any story will do) looking like the love-child of David Cameron and a currant-bun and saying nothing anyone will remember.

Lembit Opik – appear in public over the next seven days with at least one F-list celebrity on your arm – I know, why not one (or even two) of the Cheeky Girls?

Jacqui Smith – forget you are Home Secretary and supposed to be a grown-up politician. Try and say something that makes it look as if all Labour’s efforts to massage the crime figures have been in vain. Perhaps you could arrange to go for a kebab in Redditch (I’d give Hackney a miss) after midnight without your bodyguards. But don’t forget to invite the fourth estate ...

My final prediction? I’ll be back here in a week’s time crowing about my incredible power – and waving a big cheque from Adrian Goldberg in your faces.

Aah! Now we know he's joking. Join the discussion on The Stirrer Forum.

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