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Laurence Inman’s Blog

A MOSELEY FANTASY

24-09-2009

Moseley

Has Laurence Inman been dreaming? Or just on the cooking sherry?

I’ve just popped into my dentist. There’s nothing wrong with my teeth at the moment, but I wanted to see the nurse for a few minutes. She’s a Blues fan. I felt I should commiserate. It’s been ten days now and this is the eighth time I’ve stuck my head round the door to see how she’s bearing up. She might make a show of anger and bitterness, throwing various dental implements at me and screaming something about the police, but I understand that grief affects people in different ways.

I feel so sorry for her, and indeed for all Blues fans.

To us, it was simply another routine away win. But they really take these things seriously. However, as I pointed out to her, if they sincerely want to win, they should review this one-player-must-be-over-fifty rule and not keep picking that Carsey bloke.

Other people’s sense of humour is a complete mystery, don’t you find ?

Outside I bumped into my old mate Councillor Reg Mendacity (Wake Green, Complete Con)

He was busily noting things down. In a little notebook.

‘Hello Reg! What are you up to ?’

‘I can only discuss it under conditions of total confidentiality.’

‘I see.’

‘I’m noting the trees in this road which are for the chop.’

‘How appropriate.’

‘I haven’t got time for your feeble attempts at jokes this morning.’

‘Thank you very much.’

‘I’m preparing a list of council cuts before the next election.’

‘This is a bit of a departure, isn’t it ? You normally tell us about all the great new schemes you’ve got in mind, no expense spared, nothing too good for the people of Wake Green, all that.’

‘Times have changed. We’re into austerity-chic now and I’m not having the Tories trumping my cuts.’

‘It sounds serious.’

‘It is. These trees are going.’

‘For the chop ?’

‘Now you’ve got it. The Moseley baths will be demolished.’

‘But.....’

‘I know, I know.’

‘This is a total volte-face.’

‘With extra naan. I haven’t even started thinking about Cut Number One.’

‘You don’t mean....’

‘Yes. The Pavement Budget. It will virtually cease to exist.’

‘Even for Amesbury Road ?’

‘What choice have I got ? My political enemies are even now conspiring to out-cut each other in every department. Parks will be sold off. Community centres privatised. Schools franchised out to fast-food rackets. Oh no, that was last year.’

‘You know all this is going straight on The Stirrer ?’

‘I wouldn’t be talking to you otherwise. People won’t buy the old way of doing things any more. “Vote for us and your life will be perfect!” No. Now they want to be promised hardship, restriction, frugality.’

‘Just like.....’

‘Yes, Hitler. He never said it would be flowers all the way, but a thousand years of struggle. They lapped it up.’

I had to extricate myself, not for the first time, from the creeping tentacles of Reg’s imagination.

I strode off to the library.

It had been turned into a JFK.

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