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24-01-2008 doesn’t mean that they aren’t out to get you.  As Laurence Inman knows only too well.  That’s why he’s lifting the lid on the conspiracy known as Central Command.  But sshhh…don’t tell everyone.

This has been a worrying week. I can’t decide whether or not I’m actually going gaga or that the news is becoming gradually more baffling as part of some wicked plot set up by Central Command.

Central Command, in case you haven’t realised it yet, is the shadowy official organisation which keeps a special eye only on your affairs, in order to keep them in a proper equilibrium.

For instance, if you win £100 at the bingo, C.C. will see to it that a freak gust of wind will blow £150 worth of tiles off your roof. To them, that’s a piece of poo. Often they arrange things so that you wouldn’t ever suspect a connection, like swallowing up your annual pay-rise with the annual increase in fuel prices.

Surely, you say, that’s the same for everybody. But is it ? Eh ? Eh ?

I’m baffled by just about every news item this week.

Northern Rock. Last year I was happy enough thinking it was a small bank, in the north, solid as a rock (hence the name) for northern people to deposit their meagre savings in, in old coppers, wearing shawls and clogs, tying up their whippets outside....

Yes, a tiny bank who sponsored a footy team.

Now I’m being told that it is the most important bank in the world, the crux around which the whole of international moneydom spins: if it fails, then Western Civilisation goes down the bog with it.

Why ? Can anybody please tell me, in less than an hour….Why ? And, while you’re at it: How?

And just this morning I’m being told that the venue for the shooting in the Olympics will cost £18,000,000 to build, but then will be demolished as soon as the bloody games are over, at a cost of £6,000,000!

So that’s £24,000,000 (at today’s prices) so that a handful of people from abroad can fire at some targets for a few hours, have the ‘results’ printed on page 96 of the next day’s Daily Muckspreader and then immediately forgotten…. forever.

Seb Coe, who is famous for running round in circles some years ago, then for being a rather too self-assured Tory, said they could use an existing site a few miles outside of London, but he didn’t want the shooters to ‘feel left out.’

I know what’s happening.

They are trying to divert my attention away from the ridiculous circus going on at the High Court.

Is it real, or a poor attempt at a parody of a Restoration Comedy ? A dramatization of a Gilray cartoon?

Or just another way the papers have found to grind a few more quid out of the life of their all-time favourite celeb, even though she’s been dead for more than ten years.

Let’s just think for a second. She piles out of the pub (more or less) with her boyfriend. They don’t put their belts on and the bloke driving (who’s had a few as well) wraps the motor round a concrete pillar down an underpass.

In Glasgow, or Leeds, or Manchester or south London, this happens every five minutes and warrants no more than a few straggly flowers sellotaped to the lamp-post.

But because it happened to very rich people we are having to pay for loony flunkeys, racists old toff-hags, paranoid shopkeepers and slavering hangers-on of all descriptions to be given the chance to act out their puerile fantasies in public.

From what are they trying to divert my attention ? It must be pretty important to go to all this trouble and expense.

Or is it just me, feeling a little unhinged?

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