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L.A.M.B - TO THE SLAUGHTER

11-10-2007

Sheep

It sounds like another Stirrer campaign - Laurence Inman's demand for a Law Against Meaningless Bollocks. And we all know what happens to lambs don't we? Marketing charlatans beware.

So there I was, minding my own business, driving along Edgbaston Road past the County Ground. I had to stop at one of the new sets of traffic lights along there, which allow traffic in and out of that new toy-town estate they've thrown up at the back of the Tally-Ho.

You know the kind of thing. They're everywhere now. 'A brand-new executive development incorporating apartments, bars, restaurants, a leisure-complex.' Gated off. Full of smart young 'executives' or 'consultants' in their cars with personalized index plates, dashing off to eat or drink somewhere.

Are we reaching the point where no one will be able to go anywhere without making sure they are going to pass a bar and/or restaurant ?

Anyway, I digress.

There are a number of boards along the road proclaiming the name of this development: Edgbaston Mill. And underneath it says in smaller letters: Live On Both Sides Of Life.

Live on both sides of Life ???!!!

I haven't felt so angry since I passed a huge hoarding stuck way out in the country next to railway line which announced: Hampshire - Where Partnership Counts.

Let us try for a moment to enter the minds of the cretins who might take this drivel seriously.

Were they sitting at home one night when they were visited by a vague sense of unease, the feeling you usually get just before you decide you want to move house ? Did they say to each other, 'You know darling, I'm beginning to think we're only living on one side of life. We should move.'

'Yes,' replies his or her partner, 'I think you're right. I'm feeling very sort of unilateral myself. But move where ?'

'Well, luckily I've just seen an ad in the paper for a whole new kind of development. According to this, you can live on both sides of life.'

'That sounds exactly what we want. Where is it ?'

'Down by the County Ground.'

'How marvellous! So, no more living on one side of life for us! From now on, as far as living goes, we're going to be multilateralists. I can't wait to tell our friends.'

'Yes. They'll be green with envy, stuck as they will be with single-dimensional living.'

'Are you sure you really mean that, darling ?'

'I don't know.'

And what happens if they find that life at Edgbaston Mill has not blossomed out into its extra dimension, as promised ? Do they write to the builders complaining that they're still languishing in a monochromatic existence, when they were assured of a more multifarious state-of-being ?

And will the next lot of developers, eyeing up a rubble-strewn site in Nechells, be thinking that they'll have to claim you'll be able to live on three sides of life ?

I want to suggest a new law. It will be called the Law Against Meaningless B-----ks. Or LAMB. I like the word lamb because it brings to mind another word: slaughter.

Instead of paying them thousands, we should slaughter (humanely, if you insist) anyone guilty of producing this crap. It is damaging our minds. It is trying to turn us into uncritical automatons who meekly accept anything that is said to us.

Sutton 10K result:

My son did not win.

Neither did I.

London Marathon training update:

We're waiting to see if we're in first.

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