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Poet's Corner



French Bread

The Stirrer’s poet laureate Brendan Hawthorne is on a diet – and can’t you just tell? He’s complaining - in his broadest Black Country accent - that thick sliced bread has lost some of its bulk too.

Wot an they gon un dun

ter thick sliced bread?

Yo think abaht it

usin yer loaf not yer yed

It used ter be heavy un doughy

un dower stop thick

Whenever yo wuz hungry

it usually did the trick

Yo ad a piece o beef drippin

when yo wuz too clammed ter speak

Usually when yo gorrin from skewel

all paersty un weak

There doe seem ter be anything

in it at all these days

Un I ay too bothered

wot the health expert says

They say they’m fillin everythin’ ahrt

with fresh air un empty spaerce

For the good o me health

un the rest o the human raerce

But yo try un find a tin or a bloomer

wi absolutely nothin tekken out

Yo just woe find a traditional un

loaded wi salt un sugar un fat about

Not like the ones thowd uns

ad ter keep fer a wik

Ter saerve um scraepin their top plaerte

or gi in the false teeth a pick

Or they’d moan abahrt th’eartburn,

indigestion un flux

In the days befower faddy diets

cholesterol un flab bustin books

Yo see our staerple diet

is now presented like politics

All wrapped up an as light as air

un chock full o advertising gimmicks

Un doe get me started

on talking abahrt th’upper crust

Cos bein soft raerned th’edges

is quite frankly, simply the wust!

Copyright Brendan Hawthorne 2008

Brendan Hawthorne's new book'Slide’ priced £7.99 + £1 P and P is available from B.Hawthorne, 20 Wharfedale Street, Wednesbury West Mids, WS10 9AG. All cheques payable to B.Hawthorne.

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