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A Letter For The Postal Service


This week, the PostOffice launches its new "size matters" pricing structure - where letters and parcels are judged not by weight, but by how bulky they are. Black Country poet Brendan Hawthorne - who runs the regular Poetry Wednesbury meetings - offers his tuppence worth. Sorry sir, that will be three pence now...

A Letter For The Postal Service

In the light of imminent postal changes

relative to rates and package ranges

Based on thickness size and weight

and all the complications that this creates

I'd like to inform the powers that be

that in future all letters addressed to me

must be posted in the appropriate slot

so at a glance I can see what I've got

I've made modifications to my front door

and take this opportunity to tell you what for

All bills, taxes and other demands may

be posted through the red flap clearly marked A

This will automatically file them under bin

though all monies made payable and coming in

will be welcomed in the blue flap marked up B

but all circulars, junk and advert commentary

are to be posted through the green recycling flap marked C

because I'm caring and environmentally friendly

Other correspondence can be delivered

in the usual way with all things considered

except parcels, gifts and other surprises

that are neatly wrapped or in other guises

These should be placed in the locker marked Z

or be returned to the sorting office instead

for the privilege of a personal collection

should I ever be passing in your direction

furnished with several proofs of I D

and desire a lecture on confidentiality

I hope this information makes everything apparent

and is received in the spirit in which it's truly sent

Why keep things simple when they can be complicated

when common sense itself has become post dated?

Copyright Brendan Hawthorne 2006


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