The Stirrer

news that matters, campaigns that count

for Birmingham, the Black Country and beyond



As if it wasn't enough that smoking is banned down the pub, Brendan Hawthorne has discovered another "bar" to enjoyment. He's just had a hard time in a boozer because his mate dared to swear. What will they be banning next? Alcohol?

The toothless are in again tonight

screaming at the bar staff

Pissing themselves wantonly

in the snug

Shitting themselves

in the restaurant

and getting away with it

through wrinkled charm

and birthright

The smokers have

all been snubbed out

as anti-social drop-outs

left to fresh air hacks and spits

Swearing and adult

conversation is barred

You can't even give a f*** now

in case of causing offence

Left to drink rough sherry

from a brown paper bag

sitting on a park bench

next to a disused playground

the only sanctuary left

to get peace and quiet

The baby boomers have been

replaced by baby bouncers

because pubs are transforming

themselves into theme crèches

Places for babies to

suckle their mothers' milk

and be goo-gooed at

Toddlers left to run rings

around tired feet waiters

as parents compare expenses

and the rapidity of labour

Bored staff child care assistants

are left to polish pint glasses

and sigh at reminiscences

about the good old days

of drunken arguments

smoke filled rooms

and full tills

and mop up another

spilled carton of juice

wearing dungarees

a smile and a happy hat

Copyright Brendan Hawthorne 2007

Leave a comment or raise new issues on The Stirrer message board.

The Stirrer home

©2007 The Stirrer